I have a problem, so I figured what better place to go for help than the internet. I’ll try and keep this short, but here goes nothing.
About five years ago my dad lost his job as the head of the graphics department at a large carton company. He worked in the same field for almost forty years. He was the president of the original company, but they went out of business after not being able to keep up with the current technology. No big deal, Dad easily got a job with a more advanced company and moved straight to the head of the department. Around 2004 they started downsizing. They told Dad they were closing the office and relocating him to a different facility a couple hundred miles away. My parents found a new house and were given money to fix up their house in preparation to sell. Then out of nowhere Dad was told they were not going to move him, but instead let him go.
For the first two and a half years everything was OK. He did the unemployment thing for a bit. He couldn’t find a job in graphics because he didn’t have a degree, but had thirty years of experience and no one wanted to pay what he was worth. He did try other things. He was powder coating for a few months, and even tried a call center for a while. He just wasn’t happy working anywhere. I guess that was when the depression really set in. He even spoke of killing himself, which really put a damper on Thanksgiving 2009.I think his reasoning for this was because he didn’t feel like a man anymore. He is quite “old school” in that way. In other words, he felt like he wasn’t a man because he couldn’t take care of his family in the most basic sense. He couldn’t pay the bills.
Things got a little better over the next year. He got it in his head that he could get disability for his medical discharge from the Army.This has been an ongoing process for the last two years. I think it will be resolved over the next few months. I honestly don’t think he deserves disability, but if it makes him normal again I’m all for it.
I moved back in with my parents a little more than two years ago to help them pay there bills and to help myself save up and prepare to move to Portland, OR. Over these last two years I’ve probably spent less time with my dad than I ever did when I lived on my own. I honestly just don’t like to be around him. He rarely leaves the house or even the couch for that matter. He is always sad and can’t figure out what is wrong. He has been to all the doctors and tried all the drugs. Most treatments last a week or two, then he is right back to sad. This man is not my father anymore and most of the time I find myself being angry at him for this. I mean, I love him with all my heart, but I just can’t even stand to look at him most days. I want to yell at him. I want to tell him to man up and just do what needs to be done. Tell him to get a job at Hardee’s making biscuits, anything to get back into the world and be somebody again. I’m just so frustrated, but I can’t be mean to my dad so I just sneak out of the house while he’s sleeping and avoid contact as much as possible.
I’m leaving for Portland next October regardless, but I’m freaked out about leaving him behind. I feel like if I leave my mom will divorce him and he’ll blow his brains out. Admittedly, I have no sympathy for suicides, but this is my dad so he is an exception. I have to leave though, Charlotte is draining the life from me and I have to be a little selfish right?!
So internet, I come to you because I have nowhere else to turn. Tell me what to do. How can I fix my father? How can I stay here and not go crazy? How can I leave and not feel guilty? Am I a terrible person? What the hell is wrong with me? What the fuck internet?!